Weeeeeee!!!!!!

treerot:

why don’t you bathe naked under the moonlight in a river so deep in the forest it’s been lost to mankind and maybe you’ll calm down

(via stormbornwitch)

pettyrevenge:

Jenn is at our house non-stop. They’ve been dating for 6 months and in the past 3 months, she is probably at our house 6.5 days of the week. She’s materialistic, lazy and generally unhelpful. She brings her dog over when no one in the house has a pet and lets it have free reign over whatever the fuck it wants without discipline. She expects to be treated like a guest and doesnt help out with any house maintenance or chores, even though she spends more time at our house than I do. Its annoying as hell. The one good quality she does have is she likes to be clean. So naturally our shared bathroom is overflowing with her nice and expensive beauty products.

So, to get my jollies every morning, I use all of them. In EXTREME excess. Shampoo for brunettes that will shine and brighten my curls that i dont have? Fuck it, ill take 5x the amount needed. Peach exfoliating body wash with microbeads that makes me smell like a princess? POUR IT ALL OVER MY BODY. Super fancy loofa with a cushy handle? cover it in more body wash and polish my hardy boys. Coconut conditioner that will give me all-day, long lasting volume? Just squeeeeeeeze the bottle right onto the top of my head. I end up walking out of the bathroom shining like a sunset and smelling like a god damned unicorn.

Hey Jenn, you useless piece of crap, we’re running low on body wash…

(via pettyrevenge)

pettyrevenge:

To the man in the car across the street - I saw everything. I saw how you parallel parked like a decent human being, nice and snug with the car in front of you, realizing he had a “no parking” zone in front of him, and thus plenty of room to pull out forward. Little did you know that the man that would pull up behind you wouldn’t give you the same courtesy, pulling up within a half inch of your rear bumper, effectively trapping you between two cars. 

I saw your look of frustration as you came back out to your car and realized the situation. And then, your look of resigned determination as you entered your vehicle. The red of your brake lights released and you gently bumped backwards into the offending car. A slight pull forward, careful enough not to tap the innocents in front of you. Another reverse and satisfying bump to the luxury car behind you. Your shitty 90’s Cavalier didn’t care. Another slow ease forward. And then, totally unnecessarily, one more hearty bump to the douchebag mobile before you head off into the night. 

I saw it all…

…and I approve.

(via pettyrevenge)

pettyrevenge:

My uncle worked as a valet for a Las Vegas casino during the eighties and nineties. During his 15 year stint, he never had a complaint about a scratch, dent or any damage whatsoever to a car he drove, so when VIPs arrived, he was the one who drove and parked their cars.

If an exotic or supercar was available in America, chances are my uncle drove it. He also got to meet many celebrities, politicians and rich folks. As one would expect, some of these celebrities were assholes, and my uncle had a petty revenge tailored to their level of asshole-ness:

- Minor assholes: folks that refused to look at my uncle or acknowledge his presence, scoffed at him, things like that.
Revenge: Readjust their mirrors, replace their favorited radio stations. Put their tapes in the wrong case…

- Major assholes: Racist comments directed towards my uncle, threats (guy told my uncle if he found the tiniest scratch on his car, he’d have his bodyguards beat him up, stuff like that).
Revenge: After driving the car out of sight, uncle would drop his pants and underwear and park the car bare-assed.
 

tl;dr: if you were a rich asshole in Vegas, chances are a tiny Latino man rubbed his balls and ass on your precious, hand-stitched leather seats.

(via pettyrevenge)